Being Assertive is Being “Nice”

If we grew up in environments where our feelings were often invalidated, it can be difficult to feel safe expressing emotions like anger or disappointment. Assertiveness is the middle ground between passive and aggressive communication. Someone who is passive may have trouble standing up for themselves or clearly stating their needs. Individuals with an aggressive approach often devalue others’ needs to get their own needs met. Regularly concealing our needs from those around us but expressing anger, resentment, or disappointment indirectly is known as passive-aggressiveness. This is illustrated in the chart below:

Something that comes up regularly in my sessions with clients experiencing anxiety is the mistaken belief that being assertive is somehow being unkind. But it’s truly an act of kindness to express ourselves genuinely to the people we care about. Being assertive is to say, “I am invested in making this work, and I trust you to fully hear me.” To build lasting connections with people, we have to practice vulnerability.

What’s one way you can practice assertiveness this week? Is it asking for a raise, cutting off someone who’s mistreating you, telling the person you’re dating you want to take things to the next level? When you’ve identified how you want to communicate your needs, take some time to examine what your fears are surrounding that. What are you afraid will happen?

If someone cares about your well-being, they will want to meet your needs and boundary setting will help them understand what those are.